Why LiLo, why?

I spent most of the day crying on the inside. Why? I broke my own taboo and watched the freaking news again. Every time I turn on the news I see terrible things that make me sick at heart.
But, somehow, this time was much worse. Today I learned everything I have been lead to believe is a lie. No, Virginia, there is NO Santa Claus! And do you want to know why? Linsey Lohan is GAY!

I know! How could such a sumptuous example of feminine perfection be a crotch cannibal? It just isn't fair! I'm talking about the woman who made me feel like a dirty old man for watching Georgia Rules about a thousand times...but in a GOOD way! Ugh! Dare I say it? GIMME A FREAKING BREAK ALREADY!!!!!!

What the hell is happening to our culture? A buddy of mine told me one of his students was parading around wearing a I-heart-Edward shirt....a DUDE! Is it really true? Is it the REAL Happening? Someone hypothesized that when an area becomes over-populated, a portion of the population turns gay as a natural defense mechanism to trim the herd. Is the human race being culled? If so....WHY'D IT HAVE TO BE LYNDSEY? Huh? WHY? Why couldn't it be Janet Reno or Doctor Ruth? What's wrong with taking them? Oh, Mother Nature, what a cruel and twisted bitch thou art!