A Fag In Fox

Ah....the winter Olympics. Another chance to watch scantily clad women glide artistically across a frozen expanse in time to classical music....wait.....uh, that's not a woman? WTF? OH, DUDE! THAT'S A DUDE, DUDE! Where's he get off wearing a woman's outfit like that? In other words....GIMME A FREAKING BREAK ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!

Johnnie Weir, you are a bright, shining spot on America's Gaydar. Yeah, you're gay. There's no denying it. Guy's don't comment on how 'pretty' their outfits are or that they feel 'pretty' wearing them.....except for those fruits that like to dress up in womens' underwear and look at themselves in the mirror they keep showing on Springer reruns. I'm not taking exception with that, though, froo-froo boy, what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business, it's that little tuft of fur on your shoulder that's pissing me off.

You see, 'pretty' boy, those homo's who put your ensembles together get that fur from some really scummy people who like to torture animals. In my book, if you kill something, you damn well better eat it, unless it's a bug or a snake. (You can sell the snakes to the Cajuns and the bugs to the French...they're into that stuff.) The point is, killing stuff for the sake of fashion is wrong. How would you like it if some nut came along and stuck an electrode up your ass and zapped you to make a set of seat covers? (Scratch that, you're gay....you'd probably LOVE the first part....) Anyway, you Little Richard wannabe, get with the freaking program. Do you really want to be harassed by crazy PETA ladies the rest of your life? I have it on good authority some of them have Hepatitis. Things could get VERY ugly for you.

Fear not, there IS salvation for you. You must denounce furry-assed feminine costumes and get yourself some manly camouflage stuff along with combat boot style skates. Every now and then, drink a beer and don't be afraid to let one rip in front of the judges. Start reading Hustler when you have the time and smack every pretty girl on the backside as she passes by and be sure to give her a big wink and a thumbs up afterward. (If at all possible, ask her for her phone number.) Last, but not least, keep your winky out of the stinky, if you know what I mean. If you follow these simple steps, you too, can be a man, Johnboy. Good luck.