American Challenges Iranian Leadership To Put Their Money Where Their Mouth Is

For several days, we've been hearing all sorts of bluster from Tehran about how they are going to kick our collective asses. I know, we should be inured to it by now, but after recent events, especially those involving the murders of Iranian protesters, I have only this to say: GIMME A FREAKING BREAK ALREADY!!!!!!

Hey, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, shut the hell up. You are only embarrassing yourself. You're a joke, just like your Supreme Leader and your Guardian Council. Do you really think you can defeat America in combat? Are you THAT delusional? I certainly hope so. You see, I have a proposition for you. I want to challenge the whole lot of you to personal combat, hand-to-hand; You, Ali Khameini, and any of the other Ayatollahs who back what you've been saying-against me.

I know, I know...it hardly seems fair. After all, you're nothing but a bunch of cowardly bureaucrats and clergymen hiding behind a group of psychopathic, evil soldiers who attack unarmed women from their own country and I'm just one man, out of shape, crippled, but American. Yeah, that's right, you don't stand a chance. However, just to make it a bit more even, I'll take the whole bunch of you on at once. Does that sound more to your liking?

Now, a bout like this has to be televised, naturally, so you'll need to relax the ban on foreign journalism. I wouldn't dream of asking you cowards to leave your homeland....you'd all be dead the second you did after what you've done lately. I can come to you. All we need to do is set the ground rules and wager. Okay, first, this will be a no-holds-barred fight so you'd all better wear your jockey straps as I have a feeling I won't be able to resist kicking you in the sack a few million times each. Since this is to be televised....there is to be no attempt at pantsing the opponent or use of objectionable language on your part. I'm American, I'll be doing plenty of that for both of us. The fight ends only when one side or the other capitulates or is unable to continue. I promise, I won't try to kill any of you. I want your supporters to see you for the dogs you are.

Since we're putting ourselves in harm's way, there needs to be an big payoff for both sides. If you win, I will become your personal slave, or you can have me executed....whatever. If I win, however, you must all immediately leave Iran and never return, taking nothing with you but your clothing and shame, leaving the Iranian people to decide how best to govern their future as a free and democratic republic. Your erstwhile opponent in the election can stand in as acting president until a new government is set in place.

So, Mr. Ahmadinejad, what do you say? Is it 'ON'? Will you and the rest of the Evil Infidel's Club For Losers come out and face me, or will you prove, once and for all, to the world just how cowardly you really are? My money's on the latter.